May 8, 2013

Lizard-Brain Goes for the Kill Shot

The Cliffs of Insanity

I’m letting you into a part of my soul that I don’t often share… with anyone. So it’s either inspired courage or incredible stupidity that I would put this out into the cybersphere.

Journeys are either about moving from or moving to. Most often, they are about both.

Sometimes we choose to make the journey. Other times we just get swept up in the tide of life. Almost always, it’s the ebb and flow of choice and coincidence that gets us to move.

And then, there’s the attitude of the journey. Depending on where you are on the spectrum between To-and-From and Choice-and-Coincidence, the journey is jammed with emotion ranging all the way from joy to resistance. All over the map. Cycling back over and over.

'Allo. My name is Elaine Menardi. You killed my spirit. Prepare to die.

‘Allo. My name is Elaine Menardi. You killed my spirit. Prepare to die.

I have spent a good chunk of time and energy these past months jumping over fences. On one side of the fence is safety / self-confidence / steadfastness. On the other side is fear / restlessness / more fear. I have been paralyzed. [Literally... my spirit has been paralyzed... which makes it hard to imagine jumping over fences.]

I have been living in the dark caves just off to the side of the Cliffs of Insanity (<– click).

Who am I talking to?

Lizard-Brain.

The voice of the Resistance. It lives in my head somewhere between my neocortex and medula oblongata. It frequently shouts things like:

There is absolutely no way that crazy idea is going to work. Ever.

You will look stupid for even trying… and people will laugh.
[Oh yes Ray... people will laugh... at you!]

Don’t waste your time!

Unfortunately, there are a lot of real voices around me affirming Lizard-Brain’s vicious words.

And I’ve been listening to them. Too much. The voices and the words have beaten me down / crushed my spirit / paralyzed me with fear. The fear of the journey. The fear of not knowing how to get from Here-to-There.

You see… I have this point on the horizon that I’m aiming toward. Like a ship’s captain, I have set my compass and am working to maneuver my sails just so… to get me going that direction.

But there’s a void at my feet. Not simply uncharted waters or an overgrown path or even a deeply plunging crevasse.

A gaping void… of nothing-ness. And I don’t know how to cross it. Not a clue.

So I’ve felt paralyzed. That’s really the only good word I can give you.

Like a fever that suddenly breaks its death-grip on an achy body, my paralysis lifted the other day. I’m not a doctor but I feel like breaking fevers are a sign that the body is healing. So I’m going with the idea that my spirit is healing too. [If you're a doctor, please don't leave a comment and burst my bubble. I need this right now.]

The Stare-Down

We had a staring contest. Lizard-Brain blinked first!

I didn’t win because I came up with some great plan to get from Here-to-There. [I wish!]

I won because I ‘fessed up to the fear of not knowing how to even think of a plan. I simply said… Lizard-Brain, I’m afraid you might have me beat on this one.

The fever broke. The paralysis lifted. I could feel movement again. The edges of my soul started tingling with sensation. It has been quiet for too long.

I still don’t actually know how to get from Here-to-There. But I do know that some way / somehow it is possible. Will be possible.

So I’m working on eating the elephant… one bite at a time. [Not a real elephant of course... that would be a crazy idea.]

Posted by on May 8, 2013 in New Chapter and tagged , , , , .

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May 3, 2013

The 24-Year Science Experiment

Aren’t-People-Funny?

It’s been a really hard week. Things have been said and implications made that gurgle in my soul like bad food in my belly and the bitter taste in my mouth that no amount of tooth-brushing can drive away.

Way more than my all-encompassing phrase Aren’t-people-funny? can touch. But honestly that’s the best response I can come up with in order to force myself beyond the hurt. Aren’t people funny? Saying it over and over helps me to forgive.

And then I watched The Big Bang Theory last night… Sheldon and Leonard met one of their childhood idols… Professor Proton! It was a great funny episode. I just think those screenwriters are about brilliant.

Science Nerd Emerges from Hiding

Every time I watch that show I reconnect with the science nerd in me. And while some people label me as strategic, I think it’s just the Spock-logical side of my brain that they see kicking into gear. Which is actually not something that you witness very often in Catholic-ministry-world. Not a whole lot of scientists leave science and go into ministry. A few… but not a lot. [I guess that makes us an anomaly.]

As I’ve been wrestling with the challenges of the week, wondering what / if there has been purpose in this journey of late, I began thinking about science experiments. Professor Proton did the classic physics / chemistry test on television last night to see whether the egg drops through the small mouth of the bottle. [Google it to find out how a burning candle creates enough air pressure to suck it in!]

One Big Experiment

This has been one long 24-year experiment!

Here’s the Scientific Method in a nutshell… just in case you forgot:

  1. Hypothesis
  2. Testing
  3. Data Analysis
  4. Conclusion
enterprise

Captain Kirk was one of my childhood idols!

I stepped into the ministry world 24 years ago. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it is every bit as unique as Comic-Con or a Trekkie convention.

Hypothesis: If I surrender myself and let God use my gifts and talents, can we actually change the world for good?

Testing: Research methods employed will be one-on-one / small groups / large groups / clergy and lay people / local and national circles across all types of subject matter. In short, highly varied and extremely unpredictable. Research phase to be no less than 5 years. [That was the original commitment we made when we left corporate-world to go to Catholic-world.]

Data Analysis: Ongoing. The experiment is now in Phase 4 of data collection with only a few weeks remaining.

Conclusion: Early indicators are proving the hypothesis to be true on all counts with several unanticipated corollaries.

Can we actually change the world for good? The bottom line answer is: Yes. However, these caveats apply:

Every skill / talent / piece of knowledge and trivia / understanding / insight / hat you’ve ever worn will be required to complete even the simplest task. You must give freely.

You will be challenged and maximumly stretched farther than you could have ever imagined… significantly out of your your safety zone and comfort zone. You will not return to your original shape; there will be stretch marks.

More times than not, people will not understand you or what you are doing. Sometimes, they won’t be ready to receive you or the gifts you have to give them. Even the ones who think they “get it”, likely don’t… they don’t know that they don’t know. And you’ll have to just keep doing what you’re doing hoping that they will eventually understand who you were and what you offered at the time.

For Love of the Theory

The experiment only works if you go into it for the love of testing the theory… because there are no immediate rewards or visible results. It is truly all about planting the seeds and patiently waiting in the field to see sprouts coming up in the dirt. And yes, it is dirt… muddy / sticky / bad-smelling muck.

My experiment is almost completed. I’ve got another one on the drawing board that I’m eager to start. I’m on the Road-to-Awesome!

[Read Jon Acuff's new book: Start.]

Posted by on May 3, 2013 in New Chapter and tagged , , , , , , .

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April 30, 2013

Escape Velocity Pt. 2

Where were you?

The events in our lives are often marked by memories that are seared right into the deepest part of our psyches. Especially dramatic events… not just those that are tragic or traumatic… but also those events filled with joy and happiness. Without the collection of memories and mental pictures, life would feel shallow and perhaps, un-lived.

I rely on memories to help me frame the context of when life events occurred and who I was at the time. Do you remember where you were…

when Challenger exploded…

challenger-disaster-myths-explosion_31734_600x450Space Shuttle Challenger disintegrated after 73 seconds of flight on January 28, 1986. I was eating a bagel and yogurt  in the student center at Colorado School of Mines during my senior year of engineering school. Being a science nerd, I was glued to the large screen television broadcast of the launch.

I remember the shock and sadness of watching the events unfold in real time.  It was a blow to me personally as well as to the whole science world… and every one of us at Mines felt the huge loss of the brilliant scientific minds that perished that day.

on 9/11…

I was hobbling on crutches at home after an ankle surgery when my sister called and frantically shouted: Don’t worry… Jeff’s okay… he was playing golf with a client in New Jersey.

What? I was an hour-time-zone-west-of-her… two hours removed from my brother’s… too early to have a television blaring… I had no idea what she was talking about. She screamed this time: Turn on the news!!

Oh my…

On a normal day, my brother Jeff would have been either in one of the Trade Centers or in his office about 4 blocks away.

Terror… devastation… horror… I watched in real time as the plane hit the second tower. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Like all of us, I was forever changed.

as bombs blasted the Boston Marathon…

I was at lunch with my two bosses handing them my letter of resignation. Above us was a large screen television showing the first explosion on Boylston Street… the panic… and then the second explosion. It was Tax Day.

Significant moments in my own life have been marked by huge world events. Yours too. We will likely always remember where we were and what we were doing when these things happened.

So what does it mean?

You’ll have to decide for yourself.

But for me… it’s a reminder that I belong to something much bigger than myself… that the world does not revolve around me… I am not at the center of the universe nor are my issues and problems.

It’s about perspective. It’s about shrinking my ego. I can get so caught up in all the details and circumstances that surround my closed-in little world.

But I desire to be someone bigger and to do something bigger. I am unlimited… and finally I am really starting to believe that there is more in store for me. It’s been a challenging climb up my own private Mount Everest.

I am moving to Colorado at the end of June. I have exciting new projects in the works. It is time.

Peace out.

Posted by on April 30, 2013 in New Chapter and tagged , , , , , , , .

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April 26, 2013

Letter to a Co-Worker

here we go

I’m sorry that you are angry with me. I imagine you are hurt because I didn’t trust a secret with you… although surely, you already knew what was happening. I had two intentional reasons.

First… everything in my life came crashing through the wall when your world came to a standstill. When someone you love dies… even when death comes in a visible disguise… there are boundaries that polite society abides. We stood back and gently held you in prayer, hoping that you would feel the weight of our love and concern buoying you up in a time of deep sadness.

Disrupt_Copy.1

i’m off to disrupt more status quo!

At the time, there was no room to add another emotional twist into an already jammed life drama.

And by the time that healing was nudging out heartache, I was in the death-grip of discernment. My spiritual director reminds me that sometimes the soul must discern in silence and solitude. Sometimes, it is necessary to walk alone… no matter the kind-hearted desires and intentions of others who want to walk with us.

Ultimately, each person’s journey to God is a singular interiority. It is the living task of life that compels us to seek the strength of community.

The result of the Great Discernment is that I am moving on in a few weeks. This will be an adventure! I’m am very excited for a new future but it is an early and unexpected chapter in my story.

You have often called me strategic… but I’m not calculating or manipulative… it’s just how my brain works. This situation may appear to be about something else to you and others in the office… but it’s really about God’s hand moving me where I need to be… again. Trust me. If I were the one making all the decisions, everything would be working much differently than it is.

My lesson here is trust. And I have every good reason to trust… God has always provided for me. Always.

So prayers all around. If we were to look at the earth from space, we would see a swirling cloud of chaotic humanity… which is exactly what we are. We are blessed. And life will carry on.

Peace.

Posted by on April 26, 2013 in Grow Your Soul, New Chapter and tagged , , , , .

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April 22, 2013

Reaching Escape Velocity

Restless

Sleep eludes me tonight. I think it’s the prednisone. The pharmacist warned me that it might make me jittery so I was advised to take it a few hours before going to bed… but I forgot. So now here I am in the wee hours munching on sweet/sour Clementine oranges and waiting for my Breathe Easy tea to steep.

I’ve been sick for the past week. When I finally wasn’t getting over it, I went to the doctor yesterday and she said “Yep… you’ve got tonsilitis.” Doctors have been trying to take those babies out of me for more than 30 years, but could never quite make up their minds. So today, even though they are each about the same size as my Clementines, I’m keeping them right where they are. I have no desire to be an adult tonsilectomy patient. None. [Thankfully the meds are working.]

Dangerous

This is a dangerous post to write. Dangerous because there will be some readers who will misinterpret it… and then have hurt feelings. And the ones who do interpret it correctly might also have hurt feelings.

So I hesitate to click Publish. But perhaps the message is worth the risk.

If you have never read the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, then I suggest you run right down to your local bookstore, log onto Amazon.com, or find a nearby Target {they have kept it on their bookshelves for many years} and go get a copy. I have about five different versions… each a special new edition with updates, illustrations, anniversary comments and the like. I really like this story… can you tell?

You might first look at it and decide that it’s a nice simple-minded piece of fiction. But look again. It’s about spiritual journeys. Yours and mine. There are whole invisible layers of meaning hiding in the tale of the shepherd boy, Santiago.

Life

What I want to focus on here is one short line: Life attracts life.

To which I add my own thought: Un-life repels life.

[You'll have to read the book to find out what each of those means to Santiago.]

I am at a place and space when I am desperately seeking life. I have found plenty of un-life. It pains me to think that out loud. Now I need to find life… in the same way that Santiago finds life.

All of us gravitate to the people and places and circumstances that fill us with love, joy, peace, confidence and self-worth. When we fall into places of un-life, it can be a hugely difficult return journey to the light.

Escape Velocity

challengerMustering up the energy and momentum to reach escape velocity might call us to sacrifice everything. Everything.

The good news is that God understands and then the whole universe will conspire to help a person achieve her dream.

But every test will be presented along the way… to give her an opportunity to test her resolve… to decide if the dream is, in fact, her ultimately desired goal.

And then as the old adage goes: It is always darkest right before the dawn… the night will close in and she will be blinded in darkness.

That’s how the story always goes for the hero and heroine. Always. [Email me if you ever find a story or movie where that doesn't happen.]

It is not an easy journey for the soul, but it is necessary.

Because all of life is fragile and precious. It must be lived to its highest potential. And life is too short to live with un-life.

Whatever un-life you have in your daily routine, I hope you will choose to change it.

Change it or change you. Either way. Sometimes both are required. And change is hard. Trust me… I know.

If you need help, email or call me. I will help you reach escape velocity. I’m getting ready to strap on my own wings. We can fly together.

Brave Voyager Onward.

Posted by on April 22, 2013 in New Chapter and tagged , , , , , , .

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